I'm Still Alive

Though I know that it's apparent, I'm still grateful for being alive. I don't know who to be grateful to, though. But whatever, that's not really important. I stayed up late last night, listening to Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful" and sobbing. I was thinking about all the evils in the world and wanting to help change that. But first, as you all know, you have to change yourself.

I was thinking about wanting to believe that I was beautiful, even after being emotionally abused by my father and my fellow students when I was younger. I know I can get there, but it's gonna take a while, (when I say 'awhile' I mean years...) and that I've always been wanting to be a good person. You can call me a do-gooder if you want. But that's one of the things, I really, truly, want. I want to be the shoulder to cry on. I want to be the good Samaritan. I really do. But I guess that's not really the point of this post. I don't know what the point is yet. It seems to me that I'm always the one that does the crying, yet it's almost never the other way around. I wish I knew how to change that.
I wish I knew how to be that kind of person. For example, if I had a baby that was born with a horrible health problem that greatly affected his or her appearance, I would want to say "you're still beautiful to me". Yet, I would probably be freaked out. Greatly. When I lived in Italy, I would always pass women when walking down the street that had young children in their arms, begging. Of course, you could never know when the person REALLY needed help and when they didn't. You really couldn't tell. I just wish I had been more considerate and kind. A lot of people tell me I'm very nice, but I find that hard to believe. I think I'm just average, but then again, sometimes other people see us better than we see ourselves if not a lot of the time. I don't know what I'm saying, but hopefully someone out there can interpret what I'm trying to say, because I have a very vague idea...

You have my blessings,
Coma Ripper