Just so you know, if you actually read this blog, I have moved to Tumblr.

http://comaripper.tumblr.com/

I may come back every once and a while to post here, but mostly I'm on Tumblr. I know that since this is oh-so-fascinating, I shall... nevermind. Screw it. I think I'm going to finish typing up my latest post on Tumblr 8D.

I'm Still Alive

Though I know that it's apparent, I'm still grateful for being alive. I don't know who to be grateful to, though. But whatever, that's not really important. I stayed up late last night, listening to Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful" and sobbing. I was thinking about all the evils in the world and wanting to help change that. But first, as you all know, you have to change yourself.

I was thinking about wanting to believe that I was beautiful, even after being emotionally abused by my father and my fellow students when I was younger. I know I can get there, but it's gonna take a while, (when I say 'awhile' I mean years...) and that I've always been wanting to be a good person. You can call me a do-gooder if you want. But that's one of the things, I really, truly, want. I want to be the shoulder to cry on. I want to be the good Samaritan. I really do. But I guess that's not really the point of this post. I don't know what the point is yet. It seems to me that I'm always the one that does the crying, yet it's almost never the other way around. I wish I knew how to change that.
I wish I knew how to be that kind of person. For example, if I had a baby that was born with a horrible health problem that greatly affected his or her appearance, I would want to say "you're still beautiful to me". Yet, I would probably be freaked out. Greatly. When I lived in Italy, I would always pass women when walking down the street that had young children in their arms, begging. Of course, you could never know when the person REALLY needed help and when they didn't. You really couldn't tell. I just wish I had been more considerate and kind. A lot of people tell me I'm very nice, but I find that hard to believe. I think I'm just average, but then again, sometimes other people see us better than we see ourselves if not a lot of the time. I don't know what I'm saying, but hopefully someone out there can interpret what I'm trying to say, because I have a very vague idea...

You have my blessings,
Coma Ripper

I know I keep blabbing about it... but Camii, this is for you.

Fuck you,
Coma Ripper

The Same BS Over and Over Again...

Please, Camii. Yes, we know you love him. Until next Tuesday, probably. Then it'll be someone else. This "love" you have for this person is what I call shallow infatuation. If you're 18, and you still haven't grown out of the "I love this person" --two weeks later-- "Mehh... you're okay" thing that young teenagers go through, you're hopeless. I'M not the person that ended the relationship. I just stood by, wondering what the hell was going wrong. Frankly, I couldn't give a shit about what people think I should be doing instead of bitching about it. In the end, I'll get over it. For right now, I'll bitch all I want.

Cheers,
Coma Ripper

This is Something I Wrote a While Back, and I Thought I'd Share...

If you have a Twitter account, you probably know that "If Precious had a Twitter" was a TT yesterday. After seeing the horrible, incredibly rude, and unnecessary comments made addressing her weight, I was infuriated. Knowing how it feels to be made fun of for something that really doesn't matter, I was saddened by wondering how the woman would feel if she saw those idiot's comments. Of course, I don't support being unkind to your body by eating too much, but nobody knows if she has a heatlh problem that causes a person to gain weight (like I do) or has to take medication that has caused her to gain weight (again, like I do). But even if she doesn't, whatever happened to acceptance? Just because she made poor choices in her eating doesn't mean she should be verbally attacked. I'm just saddened that people have gotten this stupid...

LUST.

And of course...

I Still Love You

I still love you, even though you broke my heart. You led me on, telling me that you loved me and that you had an emotional bond with me that you never had with anyone before. I felt safe. And loved. You tore that apart. I thought you loved me and I LOVE YOU. Yet, even if we do get back together, I'll never trust you again. I just can't get my heart to forgive you. You lied to me, telling me that you were still dating me, and then you got another girlfriend. Two days later, you were single again. Now you have another boyfriend. I wanted you all to myself, I didn't want to share. That should've been obvious.

I Know I Must be Irritating the Crap out of You with This, But...

I'm still mad and upset about the Camii situation. Now, she's a got a boyfriend, named "John Hash". I wonder how long it's gonna last. I give it half a week. How long do you give it? First, she was (supposedly) with Nick Kushner (who, by the way, is an amazing artist-- here's his website.) And then she was with some guy that I forget the name of-- and she was going to move to France to live with him (yeah, right). Then, she was with me. I guess I should have seen it coming considering I asked her why she wanted to get with me, when she was with the French guy. She told me she wasn't in a female relationship, so it was okay. (So yes... I should have seen it coming, and I guess it was partially my fault.) But, anyway... she was with another person for two days. I repeat: two days. Okay, Camii... seriously? SERIOUSLY?!

In other fascinating news, It took us more than five hours to get here (yup, I finally made it to my aunt's house). I'm on her laptop now. And I'm alive. Kinda. Sigh.

And so the Adventure Begins...

I'm half excited about tomorrow, half dreading it.

*Drumroll please*

I'm going to visit my aunt!

I love my aunt and I like talking to her, so I'm not dreading it because of her (though she does ocasionally get mad at me). It's a six hour drive to where she lives from down here in southern Texas. I'm thrilled. Also, I don't know how much computer time I'm going to get. I'm a computer-holic, I know. Consider that the only real friends I have are on the internet... so... yeah. Last time I went there I just walked around in circles, because I had nothing better to do most of the time anyway. Then she got irritated with me and told me sit down. I don't understand what she wanted to do instead... just sit there staring into space? But anyhoo... I'm alive. Perhaps I'll try and get that portrait done that I promised my youth leader for his office. It was of a laughing Jesus, and this is the reference picture that I still have to print out:

I have yet to figure out how the hell I'm going to get everything right, it looks really complicated to me. I'm used to just smudging and lots of shading. But, I think that this one is more lines, less shading. So, I don't know. But I'll find a way. Where there's a will there's a way, anyway. (By the way, I asked his wife what picture of Jesus laughing she wanted me to draw, and she said this one...) Yup. Wish me luck.

In other news... I've been listening to this awesome song for the past two hours... hahaha!

Yup. It's pretty fuckin' awesome!! ^.^ Also, Tim Skold is one sexy motherfucker. He was in the '80s, and still hot as hell XD. Don't believe me?

Any questions? Didn't think so ;-)

My Thoughts on a Pain in the Ass Named Justin Bieber

I figured since it's been on my mind, I want to talk about something. Or rather, someone... and no, it's not Camii. It's Justin Bieber, as a matter of fact. First things first, I'm not a fan of his. I'm going to tell you why I dislike him. I dislike him because 

(reason #1)

He spreads the "you need  a boyfriend" message. I don't think he does that intentionally, though. What I find hilarious and at the same time sad is that I read that he said he's never been in love, yet he co-writes songs that talk about loving someone. He sings about his heart being broken. He sings about repairing a girl's broken heart. He sings about caring about a girl to the extent that he is in love. My message to you, biebtards, is that that's ALL BULLSHIT. As previously stated, he's never been in love, and for God's sake, he's 16 fucking years old, you really think he knows how to deal with women at his age? I mean yeah, I've seen interviews of him and he's acting like a flirt (I thought if I was going to dislike him as much as I do, I might as well do my homework and learn about him), but since when does that make someone knowledgeable in the area of relationships? It doesn't. I don't think he's gay, nor do I think he's ugly, or a horrible singer. But I still strongly dislike him. It's not hate, but it's close. Anyway, back to my main point. As a person who's suffered from the idea of thinking I need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy, I detest the fact that he's making girls subconciously think that they need a boyfriend or girlfriend to make them happy. I also don't like the fact that he's playing the role of a superman/prince charming and saying, "if you let me inside your world, there'll be one less lonely girl", when there ACTUALLY ARE good, trustworthy, loving, and respectful men out there that respect women greatly and treat them correctly. His music, in my opinion, cheapens that. He's just a teenager who just feels infatuation towards girls. That's very different from love. At that's enough reason for me to dislike him.

But hey, that's just me :-)

Love,

Coma Ripper

Oh, Hey... I'm still alive... Thankfully

I got back a while ago from the first day of VBS (vacation Bible school) and it was... weird and boring. I helped out in the arts and crafts area, but instead of it being something fun and interesting, it was kind of confusing. We had to help small children make picture frames, the materials were as follows: popsicle sticks, Elmer's glue, and a thick paper with a rectangle cut out. So yes, it was very imaginative. Kinda. Okay, not really. The idea was that it was a treasure chest, and a picture of the small child would be inserted in the space provided. The confusing part was the lady there was very exact about the number of sticks used and the placement of the sticks. So, naturally, everyone forgets and has to ask a million times over what to do, including me (I can be rather absent-minded and forgetful at times... though I'm not stupid thank you very much). In other fascinating news, the music from GLEE that you can find on youtube is awesome. For example, I've always loved the original of this song (titled "Mercy") but this cover is awesome :-)

Yup. GLEE is pure awesome. :-)

Hello, Internet!

I think I'm in lurve. That is, with the new features on Blogger. So now, my background actually looks interesting, and I have more options in my format of my posts. And stuff. This will be a -mostly- positive post, if not completely. I promise. Anyhoo, my mom volunteered my sister and I to help out with a church "vacation Bible school" thing, (which is funny because she knows I'm no longer a Christian, but that doesn't really matter), so that's what I'm going to be doing really soon. In fact, it's almost time to go. I'll tell you how it went, if I can get back on the computer later tonight. Caio, my lovlies! And thank you a million times over if you bother to actually read my ramblings! ^.^

Love,

Coma Ripper

Okie Dokie... Lemme 'Splain

(I'm not dead)

I don't know who's going to care, but well... what the Hell? I'll blab anyway. But, anyhoo... I'M BACK! After a very long period of not giving a crap about blogger, I've decided to give dA a break from my stupid journals. As a favor to whoever may be reading this, I'll try to make sense. Oh, and before I say anything else, remember the time when I said I'd make another list? I guess I lied. Sorry. I don't really think anybody actually gave a shit about it, but whatever.

Hmm... what to say... what to say... I have quite a few things I want to say, so it'll probably be more than one post... XD

Well. You know how I wrote a long-ass rant about my former girlfriend? Well, let me tell you the story.

We met on dA. We began talking, and we became friends. I had never had a friend that was so alike to me. I liked her. A lot. We began chatting on Facebook, and she gave me her number and we talked on the phone. One day I was talking to her on FB and I said something that sounded kind of rude, she got offline, so I messaged her apologizing and that I wasn't referring to her in what I said. Anyway, she replies with something like, "I want you... I like you". I am confused, so I say, "I like you too". She says, "No... I like you as a GF". Aaaannnddd so it went from there. And then we were in a relationship. After you read my last post (that is, if you want to), you understand why I'm pissed. I'll continue with what's up with me in another post :-)

I Hate Getting Fucked Over...

Since dA probably wants to kill me by now because that's usually where I do my whining, I've decided to whine here instead 8D (maybe I'll post a link on my dA, but whatever... I dunno)
So. My first ever relationship ended a while ago. And these are my thoughts on the matter: Camii, WHAT THE MOTHERFUCK?!
... Yeah.
She told me I was the first person she ever had an emotional bond with. She told me "you're my babe" over the phone. She told me she loved me. She told me a lot of things. And from the looks of it, she was bullshitting me. Or she's fickle. Probably the latter, but whatever... that's not really the point. I felt loved. Really, truly, loved. We talked all the time. We talked when I just couldn't bear to be alive anymore, or when I just wanted to throw a chair at my mom. I thought I loved her.
But anyway.
I log in to FB one cheery day, only to find that Camii has set her relationship status as "single", and removed me as a sibling. Uhh... what? As stupid as it may sound... I was shocked. As previously stated, I thought that we loved one another. Apparently not. I found that just a tad fucktarded odd. Maybe I'm overreacting, but, for the third time... I thought I loved her. I don't know if she is the kind of person that isn't really serious about these things and just does it for fun, but remember, I had never, ever been in a relationship before and it was special to me. I wrote her a three paragraph note on Twitlonger stating that simply changing her relationship status here on good ol' FaceBook was basically a really bad way of breaking up with a person, and was pretty much a slap in the face to me. She then replied, saying that she was still dating me, but she knew this other guy that she had fallen in love with, and since she's bisexual, that magically gives her a right to have two relationships. Ahem... that makes perfect sense. Could someone please explain this nonsense to me, please? That is, if there is ANY logic AT ALL to it? I mean, just because you're bi does that mean, that it's okay to have two relationships? I don't get that... what about how the other person feels, huh? I mean seriously, someone explain, because I really don't get it. Please. I feel betrayed. Fucked over, to put it bluntly. She then goes onto have another online girlfriend, which signals to me that she's definitely not giving a shit about me anymore, so... yeah. I don't understand any of this. My feelings are a jumble of confusing mush that cannot be explained.

Random stupid reactions after typing all that shyte:
Grr. I want a slice of pie and a cold soda... too bad we don't have pie... or cold soda... FML.

I often have dreams where I'm in a fistfight with someone, but I can hardly move my arms, and I'm losing badly. The thing is, my arms will hardly move because in my dream I am unbelievably weak. Now, going into my ponder mode, I wonder if the person I'm fighting is life; I'm the weak one, and I feel like there's no way I can stand up for myself or someone else that I care about. It's very rare that in my dream I can move my arms without a problem. I guess it's just because I feel stronger, which differs from what I usually feel. . .

Ever have one of those days when you just want to remove yourself from the world, one of those days when you're too depressed to cry, your heart too hardened to beat, and you don't even know why? Most of the days of my life recently have been like that. To be honest, I'd rather discuss my feelings over the internet for all strangers to see, instead of my family, because instead of people just sitting there and reading what I have say, and not responding to anything I say, they'll just offer me encouraging words and an "it'll be okay" which doesn't mean anything to me. Strange as it seems, I don't want that, they don't even understand how I really feel. I just want people to sit there, read what I have to say, and go along to do whatever they wanted to do before they stumbled upon my blog. That's all I want. Nothing more. . . prescription drugs haven't helped me much. I've still had thoughts of killing myself and how worthless I must be compared to all the useful people in the world. It's like no one gives a crap about me. Not even my family wants to talk to me, I am always the one in the background who's listening to the conversation. When I try to engage, I am ignored. You may be going, "and the big deal is...?" well, after years of feeling like I'm being ignored, you begin to feel depressed, especially if you're a person like me, who just wants to feel accepted, to the extent that I'd rather die than not be accepted. I realize I ahve an advantage over some people, as I am the best artist in my school, and I do get recognition for that. It's like a disease, whenever I want someone to talk to me, I start drawing. I origanally wanted to keep my drawing talents on a low level, where it wasn't such a big deal. Now it's a HUGE deal. The whole school knows now that I am a good artist. I wish I could just keep my emotions to myself, because it's like my emotions flow into the pencil through my hand and onto the paper, if that makes any sense. The more beautiful/well done a drawing, the more powerful my emotions were during the time of it's creation. To make matters worse, I did a completely riduculously stupid thing and wrote a paper on how much I loved art. Dear heavens, I'm an idiot. The reason that's such a big thing for me is that art is THE most personal thing to me. I feel like such an idiot. It's like the only thing I want to be is accepted, and I'm not. And I'm thrilled whenever someone actually talks to me. People say it's because I'm not a people person. Well, that's true, but I'd be willing to change myself if that meant people talk to me. . . not even people in my youthgroup ever talk to me, except for one, whom I had to ask to listen to me. Perhaps I'm just whining, but at least I'm being honest. The world is someone else, I've known it ever since I can remember, yet it changed. It's not what it used to be. I'm still the same. Is it becuase I'm overweight, or because the world just doesn't like me for no reason? Nothing helps. Don't try to help me, not that anybody wants to, but still, because if you do, I'll know you just had a freak-out moment, finally noticing me, and then, after all this time, trying to talk to me. Don't ask me if I'm okay, because I've never been okay. Never have I been okay. My heart refuses to beat because the freezing wind of life acts like it has no other choice but to turn my heart cold. I don't care if you think you have everything worse than me, which is probably true, but I can't help but feel this way.

Dear Society,

First off, I have been overweight all my life. Ever since I can remember. And ever since I can remember, I've been picked on mercilessly for it... and I strongly believe that you are to blame for this. It has been pounded into our brains that people who are overweight are not to be accepted. Not everyone has given in to the lie, fortunately, but it still looks like so many people think that being overweight is unacceptable. EXAMPLE: just the other day, I was called a "fat fuck" by some wannabe gangster on the bus while going back to school from a field trip, and granted I was rude to him, I don't think that my being overweight had anything to do with our quarrel. It may be just me, but I think that until someone gains a lot of weight, or a close friend does, that that person's eyes are closed to the truth. And what is the truth? The truth is that OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE ARE NOT UGLY OR BAD JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE OVERWEIGHT. I've seen grown women more than 2 times my size, and honestly, one of the first thoughts that went through my mind was, "she's pretty." I believe that all women are beautiful, no matter what their size. I believe that beauty should not be based on the size of their body, but on the size of their heart. I've met young women who were very beautiful on the outside, but very ugly on the inside. WHY THE HELL are they accepted when women who are considered ugly on the outside are so beautiful on the inside?!
Secondly, It is not my fault that I'm overweight. (But even if it was, why should that make me unacceptable?) My antidepressants that I started taking in 5th grade made me gain weight by increasing my appetite (I've been taking them for 3 years now), and it's quite a struggle to keep my weight down. I do not lay around all day and do nothing. I am not that lazy, for Pete's sake. I like to walk, and I do so every day. Don't tell me I don't try to lose weight, because I do. And the only reason I want to lose weight is because I need to for health reasons and I don't want to end up with diabetes, and I also want the cruelty towards me to stop. But that shouldn't make a difference in whether or not I should be accepted, for example, if I were to lose a lot of weight and be at a healthy weight and be accepted, that would infuriate me. I would be like "WHY THE HELL COULDN'T YOU ACCEPT ME WHEN I WAS OVERWEIGHT?!" so... yeah... rant over.

Sincerely,
A very pissed off person who has had enough of you...

I got a new pencil case from Borders today! I think that it's very cute! I think I shall find it to be quite useful in the near future. What do you think?

Things (and People ) I love

Art supplies... I am an art geek, so it's really no wonder that I like shopping for art supplies.

Shoes... high heels only though, of any height, I just like high heels... I just never liked the look of flats or sneakers, even though I mostly wear sneakers, because I kind of have to based upon different reasons.

Gene Kelly... though I don't think he's handsome at all, I love his dancing, singing and acting, especially in the classic, 'Singing in the Rain'

I love Rammstein

Stockings. Seamed or seamless, beige or black. Love 'em.

My sister and I both like this movie, I love Katharine Hepburn, Cary Grant and Jimmy Stewart.

Jean Harlow... she is awesome. She also had the best body any woman could hope to have. I also love her personality. I just happen to think that trampy women are awesome. Haha. Sue me.

Old Cartoons... they make today's cartoons look pathetic. I mean, first of all, they were original ideas, second of all, the drawings were done by hand, third of all, there wasn't any cursing (as far as I know), fourth of all, they were just all around awesome :-)

Jeordie White... I believe I mentioned him in a previous post... yeah, it was the one when I singled out the men that I think are the sexiest ;-) No further comment needed *drools*

Dita von Teese... is so classy it's ridiculous... you really didn't think there was any such thing as a classy stripper until she came along!! I don't really want to be her, though it would be nice... I guess what I'm saying is that I'd like to be as fit as she is, and have her income... oh, as well as have had Marilyn Manson as her husband!!

Jimmy Stewart is awesome... period.

Old photographs... are also awesome, because I love the past :-)

Garter belts... good ones, not the crappy little lacy ones with plastic garters. I like the real deal: metal clasps, no lace, just a regular, good garter belt that sits on the waist rather than the hips.

Betty Boop... possibly the sexiest cartoon character ever created. I love her cartoons.

Red lipstick, without a doubt... I think I have a red lipstick fetish or something... after all, you can't spell 'Yves Saint Laurent' without Lauren!! ;-)

One of the last, but definitely not least, my HUGE crush for 1 year and 2 months, the one, the only, Marilyn MANSON!!

... And he was adorable when he was a kid!!!

I shall make another list like this one soon!! If you happened to drop by, I would love it if you would leave a comment, I love reading them!!

Lady Gaga

I don't really know what I think of her, for one, I do like some of her songs, such as 'bad romance', 'just dance', and 'poker face'. I don't see her as annoying, like some people do... I just don't really know, she doesn't really 'do it' for me, but, I do admire her for having the balls to dress however she wants to and not give a damn what the critics think. Slightly changing the topic, I happen to think that today's society is very hypocritical, first, people urge you to be yourself, then when you do be yourself, people start acting like pussies and say, "WTF?!" at what you're wearing, how you act or how you think, and then they start acting like you come from outer space. They are countless songs coming from bands like the Cheetah Girls to the Red Hot Chili Peppers, which promote individuality, but at least I know there are people like Lady Gaga who really DO promote individuality, and show it through their music and sense of style, and the way they think. But, anyway, what do you think of her?

I've been sick the past two days, am now drawing to try to stop being bored. I just recently browsed through deviantart, saw some literally AMAZING artwork, which inspired me to start drawing again... so, here's what I've been working on: a heart hanging from a hook, in a cave or something else that's dark and wet, with water surrounding it... do tell, what do you think of the idea? I will post pictures of it once it is further along... thank you for reading!!

Well, this is how my hair turned out... I like my curls kind of messy, as you can see :-)

the side...
the other side...

and, the back...

feel free to leave a comment...

This is me trying to achieve an adaquate retro style... if there is anything that you notice that I am doing wrong, don't hesistate to leave a comment, in fact, leave a comment anyway... you have no idea just how much I enjoy reading them...

Yes, I do look awful in these pictures... I usually look awful in pictures, unfortunately, which is one of the reasons, I can be camera-shy sometimes.

A while back, I ordered two lipsticks off of amazon, (I believe I told you guys about that) and they arrived today! In the top right corner is the Geurlain lipstick that I bought in "Insolence de Rouge" and the one to the right of this sentence is the Yves Saint Laurent lipstick in "Red Muse". I admit it... I must have a horrible highly pigmented red lipstick problem...

While I'm at it, I think I'll give a review of these two lipsticks...

GEURLAIN LIPSTICK

Feels like silk, the container that it comes in is beautiful, Insolence de Rouge is a wonderful retro red; If I run out, and I have the money I will definately buy it again. The only downsides are the price ($30) and I don't like the smell too much.

YVES SAINT LAURENT LIPSTICK

Pros: a lot of pigment

beautiful container

red muse is a beautiful red that I would definately buy again

cons: I don't like the smell

The price is a little high...

If you order makeup (especially lipstick) over amazon, I would definately go to the brand's website and look at the colors there, as the pictures of the colors on amazon aren't accurate at all.

And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, I now present to you, everyone's favorite "GOD OF FUCK!!"